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How to protect your child from bullying: tips for parents

Цей матеріал також доступний українською

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Bullying is one of the most common problems in children's groups, especially in primary and secondary schools. Psychological traumas sustained in childhood as a result of bullying often manifest themselves in a person's adult life.

Bullying is the aggressive behavior of some children against others within a closed social group (for example, a class at school). Unlike conflict - a one-time, often spontaneous, clash between equal opponents - bullying always has the following characteristics

-systematic, repetitive nature;

- intentionality - the aggressor (bully) is aware of his/her actions against the victim;

-inequality of power - the victim is probably weaker, unable to fight back;

- the victim remains a victim in all cases, and the bully remains a bully.

Types of bullying

The following types of bullying are distinguished depending on the form that the aggressive actions of the offender take

physical - aggressive bodily contact, inflicting pain, causing bodily harm;
psychological - humiliating mockery, offensive gestures and facial expressions, boycotts and ignoring, spreading offensive rumors, threats. Such actions, when committed via the Internet or an electronic device, are classified as cyberbullying. In high school, humiliating actions often become sexual in nature and border on harassment;
economic - theft, damage or destruction of personal belongings, extortion of money.

How to recognize that your child is a victim of bullying

It is not always easy for a child to admit, even to the closest people, that he or she is a victim of bullying. However, there are certain features of children's behavior that give attentive parents reason to suspect something is wrong and sound the alarm.

Physical signs: bruises, scratches, burns, etc. that the child tries to hide and refuses to explain the origin of;

Emotional instability: a sharp change in behavior in a negative direction, low self-esteem, irritability, depression, inadequate reactions, feelings of guilt;

Changes in preferences: avoidance of contacts with the social environment (family, peers), focus on virtual space (social networks, games), interest in weapons and self-defense techniques;

Changes in appearance and material attributes: carelessness in clothing, damage or disappearance of personal belongings (and refusal to explain this), non-compliance with hygiene and personal care;

Regression in the school sphere: reluctance to go to school, deterioration in academic performance, absenteeism, fatigue, low concentration.

What parents should not do

Ignore the problem. If there are manifestations of bullying in the team, it is pointless to hope that they will eventually go away. A sense of impunity will only encourage the bully to take more and more active action against the victim.
Withdraw and leave the child to solve the problem on his or her own.
Justifying the aggressor, making the child understand that he or she provoked the bully to act aggressively. Bullying is not the fault of the victim, but a disease of the team in which he or she is. There is no reason that can justify the actions of a bully, and there is no "guilt" that gives others the right to victimize someone. If, for example, the victim leaves the aggressive group (moves to another school, changes address, etc.), it is almost certain that the aggressors will quickly find someone else to play the role of victim.
Asserting that bullying is a normal practice that is widespread everywhere and contributes to character building.
Devaluing the child's feelings, treating them as cowardice.
Talking about the situation in public or discussing it with strangers (as a rule, such publicity further traumatizes the child).

What parents should do if their child is a victim of bullying

Talk to the child. Let him/her know that he/she will not be left alone with the problem.
At the same time

- avoid violent displays of emotion, remain calm and thus give the child a sense of confidence, strength and reliability;

- demonstrate compassion and concern for the situation;

- ask and listen more and teach less;

- make it clear that the situation is abnormal and unacceptable;

- emphasize that the problem is not with the child who is a victim, but with the unhealthy environment in the team;

- assure that you will make every effort to solve the problem and will coordinate your actions with the child. Plan further actions together with the child. For example, discuss how to avoid places where the child is being bullied, or how to arrange for the child to be accompanied by a friend in such places.

Here are some phrases that can be helpful to parents during such conversations:

I believe you.
I will support you.
I love you and I'm concerned about your mood. Tell me: what's going on?
I am sorry that this happened.
I'm sure you are not to blame for what happened.
Thank you for telling me.
Who else do you think you can tell about what happened?
Let's think about what we can do to prevent this from happening again.
You can come to me as often as you need.

2. Go to the class teacher and tell him/her about the bullying incidents, backing them up with specific facts.

At the same time:

- Do not let the child's classmates - especially bullies - know about your intervention;

- conduct a conversation in a reasonable, businesslike manner, controlling emotions;

- do not take the child to the meeting (to protect him or her from possible traumatic accusations from other adults);

- make sure that the classroom teacher regards the situation as systematic bullying, not as an accidental ordinary conflict;

- clarify what measures the classroom teacher is going to take and in what time frame;

- agree that the child can turn to the teacher for help.

3. If the classroom teacher's actions are unsuccessful, or regardless of the outcome of his/her actions, inform the school management. Regardless of the form of such notification (oral, written, on paper or through electronic means of communication), the management is obliged to respond within a day and convene a commission approved at the beginning of the school year to consider such cases.

4. If the problem is not resolved and the commission has not proposed measures to resolve the situation within 10 working days, the school may contact higher authorities, law enforcement agencies, etc.

Liability for bullying is provided for in Article 1734of the Code of Ukraine on Administrative Offenses.